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Bill Hicks, transcribed by Sarah the Great

We've only just begun... I got all sorts of new dark shit for you, my man. You ever dance with the devil in the moonlight? I don't know what my attitude is, I'm trying to work on it all this time, you know. I'm drinking water tonight, that's pretty amazing, water, it's really weird how your life changes, you know what I mean, water. Four years ago-opium. Isn't that weird, I mean, really! Night and day, night and fucking day! Some of y'all may remember me, I was a drinker. I was a weekend drinker, you know, I'd start on Saturday, and end on Friday, and I thought I was controlling it there. I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs anymore, either, than, I'd say the average touring funk band. I had to add it up.

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs, I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth- I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day. Sorry.

Now, where's my commercial? Why don't I get a commercial? Why is it always that other guy that gets the commercial? "I lost my job, then my car, then my house, then my kids. Don't do drugs." Well, I'm definitely not doing them with you, fuck! Man, you're bumming me out, get him out of here! Who invited Mr. Doom over? Get that guy out of here! That guy by the dip, he's bumming everyone out! He hasn't stopped talking, I wish he'd lose his fucking voice!

I mean, I've lost my car before, okay. Found it the next day, you know, no biggie. I don't think that warranted a commercial. "I lost my car and uh... oh, there it is by that dumpster! Forget it! See you tomorrow! Honk, honk!" You know, I've lost stuff, I'm not saying that. I knew we were in trouble with that damn egg commercial, that guy. I knew that was the government's take on drugs, we're fucked, you know. "Here's your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs, I have never ever ever ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once, all right? I have seen UFO's split the sky like a sheet, but I have never ever ever looked at an egg and thought it was a fucking brain, not once. I have had seven balls of light come off of a UFO, lead me onto their ship, explain to me telepathically that we are all one and there is no such thing as death, but I have never ever ever ever ever looked at an egg, and thought it was a fucking brain.

Now, maybe I wasn't getting good shit. I admit it, I see that commercial, I feel cheated. Hey, where's the stuff that makes eggs look like brains? That sounds neat. Did I quit too soon? What is that, CIA stash? You see the guy in that commercial, that guy's got a beer gut- "All right, this is it. Look up, man. This is your brain. I ain't doing this again. That's your - " The guy's drunk and doing this fucking commercial. "Here's your brain." That's an egg! That's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic, dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that is a fucking egg, all right? I see the UFO's around it, but that is a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but, goddamn it, that hobbit is eating a fucking egg. He's on a unicorn, but that dam-up-nup-oh-hop, that's a fucking egg, yeah.

How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs. (From the audience) "Why did you quit?" Why did I quit? Because after you've been taken aboard a UFO, it's kind of hard to top that, all right. They have Alcoholics Anonymous, they don't have Alien Anonymous. I tell you what, though, going to AA meetings, which I have to do, but going there and hearing people talking about their fucking booze stories, you know. "You know, I love the taste of gin, it's so good, tastes-" Fuck you, I've been on a UFO, fuck off! I went drinking with aliens, you fucker, shut up! "I lost my wife-" I lost an alien culture who wanted to take me to the planet Arcturus, fuck you! I mean, I don't know if I've got the resentment, you know, forgiveness part down in the book, but... (singing) "One day at a time . . ." I just cannot, you know, believe in a war against drugs when they've got anti-drug commercials on TV all day long, followed by, "This Bud's for you." I got news for you, folks. A-1, alcohol is a drug, and B-2, and here's the real one, alcohol kills more people than crack, coke and heroin ... combined each year. So, thanks for inviting me to your little alcoholic/drug den here tonight. You fine, upstanding citizens, you, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Now. You know what, if I was going to have a drug be legal, it would not be alcohol, you know why? There's better drugs and better drugs for you. That's a fact, so you can stop your internal dialogue.

Wait a minute, Bill, alcohol is an accepted form of social interaction which for thousands of years has been the norm under which human beings have congregated in the form of social events and... shut the fuck up. Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you. Pot is a better drug than alcohol - fact, and I'll prove it. You're at a ballgame, you're at a concert, someone's really violent, aggressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? (Audience) Drunk! The one and only correct answer, tell them what they've won, Johnny.

I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking impossible! Hey, buddy. Hey, what? End of argument. Say you get in a car accident, and you've been smoking pot. You're only going four miles an hour. Vroom... CRASH. Shit, we hit something. Forgot to open the garage door, man. We got to get the garage door open so Domino's knows we're home! But I'll tell you the truth, I have never heard one reason that rang true why marijuana is against the law. That rang true, now, I'm not talking about the reasons the government tells us, because I hope you know this, I think you do, all governments are lying cocksuckers. I hope you know that. Good. I mean, marijuana grows everywhere, it serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive, to make marijuana against the law is like saying God made a mistake, you know what I mean? It's like God, on the seventh day, looked down on his creation and said, "There it is. My creation. Perfect and holy in all ways. Now, I can rest... Oh my me. I left fucking pot everywhere. I should never have smoked that joint on the third day. Shit. If I leave pot everywhere, that's gonna give people the impression they're supposed to use it. Shit. Now I have to create Republicans."

So, you see, it's a vicious cycle. And I'm not promoting the use of drugs, believe me, I'm not. I've had bad times on drugs, I mean, just look at this haircut. Fuck. Tell you, I live in New York now, man, tell you, man, the war on drugs has taken a real cease fire there, it's, I mean, it's incredible. They sell drugs out loud on the street. "Heroin, heroin! Heroin, heroin!" "Coke, coke! Smoke, smoke!" "Heroin, heroin!" Those guys bug the shit out of me. I'm walking down the street one day, this guy's walking ahead of me, passes one of those dealers, he looks at him, he goes, "Heroin, heroin, heroin!" I pass him, he goes, "Glue!" I can afford heroin, you fucker. I'm doing laundry right now. Soon as my shirt's out of the cleaners, I'm coming back and buying some of that shit from you! I mean, he embarrassed me to death, I was mortified. Glue. Fucker. Where's a bank machine? C'mere! C'mere, Mr. Dealer, c'mere! I'm gonna show you my balance! Then I'm gonna buy heroin from that little kid across the street! Fuck you!

New York's a rather tense town. See, I think drugs have done some good things for us, I really do. And if you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor, go home tonight and take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CD's and burn them. Because, you know what, the musicians who made all that great music that's enhanced your lives throughout the years... rrrrrrrreal fucking high on drugs. Man, the Beatles were so high, they let Ringo sing a couple of tunes. Tell me they weren't partying... (singing) "We all live in a yellow submarine, yellow submarine." We all live in a... do you know how fucking high they were when they wrote that?

They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a rake to sing that fucking song. (Beatles voices) John, get Ringo, he's in the corner. Ooh, look at him scoot, grab him! Hook his bellbottom, hook his bellbottom! He's got a song he wants to sing us. Something about living in a yellow tambourine or something. Ringo, Yoko's gone, come down, we can party again! They were real high, they wrote great music, drugs did have a positive effect.

Okay, I'll tell you what else. The musicians today, who don't do drugs, and in fact speak out against it - "We're rockers against drugs" - boy, they suck. Suck. Ball-less, soul-less, spirit-less, corporate little bitches, suckers of Satan's cock, each and every one of them. That's what we want, isn't it? Government approved rock n' roll?....

Bill Hicks: Dark Times