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Donkey Anne's Death Metal Slam

The beautiful Ann Widdecombe
Ann Widdecombe

Andrew Lindsay

Tory MP Ann Widdecombe could be screaming away at Glastonbury if plans to recruit her to a death metal band are successful.

The ebullient right-winger, dubbed 'Donkey' because of her infamous screeching voice, is Mansfield metal outfit Corpslayer's first choice for lead vocalist after singer Nick Knife's recent death on his pony. And Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith is said to be "incandescent with glee" at the idea of Ms Widdecombe, 94, joining the band as he builds up his party's hip new image.

An insider said: "This is a very exciting opportunity for the party to reach a whole new generation of disaffected idiots and the like through Ann's amazing voice.

"Metal fans everywhere will be able to hear how tough Tory policy fits in to their tiny world of aggressive music - a marked contrast to the wishy-washy, Pink Floyd-style ethos of the Labour government."

But Ms Widdecombe is less enthusiastic about the venture, which would involve jumping about and shouting things about death and missing limbs.

Speaking through an interpreter, she said: "I don't mind entertaining the public - I even had a go at karaoke once until the amplifier broke. But I'm very sceptical about this type of music. In fact, I'm certain it causes 68% of crime in this country. It ought to be banned."

To add further scorn to Mr Duncan Smiths plan, music biz insiders were appalled at the idea. Melody Maker editor Terry Beat warned: "These people have got no business in the business. They're bleeding the kids dry and it's a diabolical liberty."

But Mr Duncan Smith, true to his army background, is unlikely to give up without a fight. He spoke yesterday about the "grand tradition" of singers in the Conservative Party, which began with Peter Lilley's rendition of Land of Hope and Glory at the 1997 party conference and exploded when Dr Brian Mawhinney cunningly recited a few words from The Beatles' Nowhere Man in a stunning character assassination of Tony Blair.

Meanwhile, Birmingham and Republic of Ireland defender Kenny Cunningham took a jovial view of events. He quipped: "I'm not trying to say she's a big girl or anything, but when they raised the Titanic, they could have used her as a counter-balance, and when she gets on the talking scales it says, 'One at a time please!'

"I mean she really is a big old girl."

I can't get no... cash transaction

Andrew Lindsay & Dean Kirby

Relic rock stars Mick Jagger and Ronnie Wood could face jail after a bungled raid.

The Rolling Stones stars have been convicted of armed robbery and possession of daft jewellery after a raid on Helmshore Post Office.

When asked if the jury had reached a conclusion at Bury Crown Court yesterday, the foreman said: "Yes."

He was then asked what that decision was, in relation to the two charges against each man.

"Guilty," he replied on each occasion.

The pop pair, asleep in the dock, showed no emotion as the verdict was read. Legal experts were unable to estimate how many times guilty verdicts had been returned in British courts before.

The court had heard how the defendants - high on drugs and being able to pull any birds they wanted despite looking shite - had decided to rob the post office after running out of M&Ms. Jagger, carrying a sharpened Wham bar, had ordered shopkeeper Jimmy Riddle to give him 20 cashback but only debit 10 from his Switch card.

"He looked reight menacing, but then he would just make this funny noise and do a sort of smirk," Mr Riddle told the court.

The robbery was foiled when Bruce Foxton, the Stiff Little Fingers bassist formerly with The Jam, scattered drawing pins in the doorway. Jagger and Wood, who were bare-footed, did not dare to escape.

Judge Horatio Mintball Johnsocks told the pair he would sentence them at noon tomorrow, after he had enjoyed a nice bath. Jagger and Wood, who were still asleep, refused to comment outside the court.


Not a nonce
Will he breathe again?

Andrew Lindsay
Soap star Adam Rickitt has found himself in hot water with the taxman after the Fraud Squad caught up with his bogus self-assessment form.

The Coronation Street heart-throb, who has played effeminate Nicky Tilsley while shooting to pop stardom with his debut single, I Breathe Again, was charged with fraud yesterday and bailed to appear at Minshull Street Crown Court, Manchester, on 25 December.

Eagle-eyed tax officials alerted police when a discrepancy was spotted on teen-hunk Adam's form. But Sir Graham Tent, of the Inland Revenue, said the problem was not about money but because of the stated job description.

"Our suspicions were first aroused when we noticed that Mr Rickitt had stated he was a musician and actor," said Sir Graham. "We contacted his agent, Keith Wipe, and asked him to provide some evidence of this. He gave us a copy of the video to Mr Rickitt's latest single, and after viewing it, we have decided that neither job description is accurate."

Rickitt was unavailable for comment yesterday, but Wipe said the star refuted the allegations and intended to fight them in court, adding that this article possible constituted contempt.

"Adam has done nothing wrong, and just because one or two bigwigs don't like his music or hair or whatever, they are saying he can't sing or act. The nation knows that this is not true," he claimed. Rickitt's auntie Irene also added that the pop sensation was "a lovely lad".

Meanwhile, Birmingham and Republic of Ireland defender Kenny Cunningham distanced himself from the case, saying only: "You have to admit, his acting wasn't very good and his songs are awful, but then I don't really see what it's got to do with me."

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Please introduce this man to my daughter forthwith
Jagger: bare-footed

Green pen, top pocket. Nice one.
Wood: unecessary distraction

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