EPISODE NINE

The weather was now extremely hot, and the air stuffy. Music, most of it admittedly really shit, spewed from every window, except the ones from which it didn't. The kitchen was full and the heat was intensified by the oven which was cooking "top Landan grab Saveloy" as Joey called it, or pie and mash as everyone else did.

Tad was making the tea as usual and keeping out of everyone's way, while still attempting to look fierce. After all, he was Fierce Tad, or Super Tad as he had taken to calling himself. This was a bit daft, as actually he looked exactly like the famous Liverpudlian 'comedian' Les Dennis, who was very famous for being a very funny man on the television from Liverpool and having something called 'Scouse Wit' which was obviously very funny. Very funny indeed. Not only did Tad look like Les Dennis, he had also tried to entertain everyone with his astoundingly shit jokes, but his voice didn't carry so he went back to being fierce. Fierce Tad.

Captain Redpants stood still, admiring his 'humorous' gorilla feet slippers which were his pride and joy, along with his Super Noodles. Nothing could stop his hair now, he thought, from taking over the flat with its astonishing growth rate. Now that he was the Captain, he would show them, he would force them out so that he could use the entire flat to hibernate in. Tad's fierceness, Phillth's martial-arts-in-cream-slacks moves, Tayl's sizeable gut, Joey's 'charm' or Lynden's sheer size (and Lynden was over eight feet tall) could all come at once, and the Captain's hair would overpower them. He would reign supreme, he thought, but he may just have to get a couple more days sleep in first.

Between this episode and the last, much had happened. Although it is all continuous, certain things had to have happened for the story line, or Fabula, as it is known when revising for Film Studies exams, to work properly. It is on this principle that Bury had now played the second leg of their Auto Vimto Shield game against Cardiff and been successful. Si and Lynden were again deep in conversation.

"So," said Lynden, "you think Bury deserved their victory then?"

"Well,... all's you can do is your best, and they worked like dogs, so I think we were good value for the 3-0 win." replied Si.

"I thought it would work well putting Swan up front as a big man, rather than little Jemson, and it looks like Stan Ternent thought the same."

"Well,... great minds think alike, Lynden. You and Stan must be like two peas in a pod. The Cardiff fans weren't happy with our long ball game, but all's fair in love and war."

"Yeah. It's a real shame you don't have a clever playmaker you can feed the ball to isn't it?" asked Lynden, really getting into Bury's tactical predicament.

"Well,... I beg to differ. What you've never had you never miss."

"There was a bit of scrapping though wasn't there? Frank Burrows said his players came off looking like they'd been thrown to the lions."

"Well,... I think that's a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Our lads played like the heroes of the hour. It's all sour grapes. I mean, there's no love lost between these two sides and they were at each other's throats like cats and dogs, but what needs must and what's done is done. It had to be done and it's all water under the bridge now. Anyway, thanks for the room last night. I'll return the compliment; have to be going now. See you later, and don't worry about the tea."

"Alright mate, I'll see you to the door. Fuck's sake, it's hot in here...." said Lynden as he left the kitchen and opened the front door.

"Well,... if you can't stand the heat stay out of the kitchen" replied Si, and walked out of the door.

"So long!"

"I certainly am," said Lynden as he returned to the kitchen, and he was. As he entered the kitchen, he saw two friends, Macca and Nick walking by. They were holding hands and looking like they were too busy concentrating on each other to come into the flat. It was too hot. Lynden shouted to them, but they didn't hear him, such was their blissful relationship. They started kissing. Lynden suspected that they might be gay, but he didn't really think so, because it was still illegal in Wales, except between man and sheep.

The front door was barely shut for ten seconds before Big Man Tayls stormed back into the flat, looking extremely angry and very red. He was now naked, and barged into the roasting kitchen, with his friend Olympiakos not far behind him.

"Shaddap you cants!" shouted Tayls as he went even redder, purple even. He was obviously very angry about something. He couldn't have lost at basketball because he hadn't been there long enough, even though a football match had taken place in the meantime. The fabula was obviously going to need more work if it was ever to become a film, which it wasn't. Perhaps Olympiakos or 'Jon' as his name was sometimes abbreviated to, could provide a clue as to Tayls' extreme anger. Jon was laughing.

"Oi oi Jon." shouted Joey, "what the fack's the matter with fatty?"

"Heheheheheheheheh" replied Olympiakos, "hehehehehehehehe" ...... "heheheheh" .... "Mark was thrown out the basketball court for having no clothes on... heheheh... he ate his clothes on the way... heheheh, it was very funny, heheh."

"Shaddap you cants! Shaddap! Shaddap!" Tayls was now very purple indeed.

"Settle down fatty," Joey tried to help. "Rrrrrrrrrr.. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Tayls, as he exploded, disseminating into millions of fragments which scattered about the kitchen. The reaction to Tayls' death was mixed. Jon laughed and said he was going back to his flat to tell Antoine Le Coque, Lynden looked a bit shocked, and was disappointed to find some regurgitated pasta in his hair. Tad was now annoyed because the cups had been lost in the carnage and he would have to start again, Selwyn was privately pleased because it meant that there was now one less person to 'grow out' of the flat and the other three didn't notice, as a girl had just walked past the window and they were too busy telling each other how she must "lav cock."

Behind the girl was Matt Vlemmiks, an old Jim McDonald-style drinking partner of Lynden's from back home. He approached the window and in an odd voice and gait, asked Joey, Sunbed and Brown if they had "ever heard of... hmmph... insect politics?"

They all said no, but Joey added that he had once attempted to have sex with an insect. Matt then walked away, after exclaiming "these aren't the droids you're looking for!" These walk-on parts were a strange affair indeed. Suddenly, the kitchen door swung open again with a kick and in walked Phillth Opielercurry. He had changed from his Everton shirt and slacks into his Everton shirt and joggers. He looked a treat, just like his dinner.

"Roight then," he said in his weird accent "Oim off to Tae Kwon Dohwwww. Hmmph. Bugger me! What's all this mess loik?"

"It's fat boy Tayls you mappet. He's popped his fackin' cats and dogs."

"Brilliant, what a lovely meal all this'll make. Oill just get some Tupperware. Hmmph." and he was in and out of his room in a flash, scooping up Tayl's remains while they were still at boiling point. "Oill get a thousand meals from this. Hmmph."

"Oi Phillth!" shouted Sunbed. "Is that a new haircat or jast a fackin' disgrace?!"

"Am not askin' ya to loik it. Hmmph!" replied Phillth, in another quite stunning blow of wit. He collected what he could before Joey and Sunbed beat him to death "for being a top mappet." Brown was now undecided about who he wanted to be best mates with in the flat. He liked hanging around with Sunbed Joey and Lynden, but he was officially best mates with Selwyn, and also needed to grovel to the one and only captain. On top of this, he had loyalties to Tad as they were both from the 'fierce' county of Hampshire. He decided to go for them all.

"Right," he began, "I am a geezah, see you two later; oh, Tad, the tea was lush, even though I didn't drink it I know it would have been; Selwyn coming to play t't' crickeet?"

"Can dow," replied Selwyn, as the two walked out "then I'll very probably go and hibernate again t't' sowper nowdles, eeh by 'eck like, what a funny year like, it's just not crickeet, very probably. Si thi all in t't' bit."

"Shat up you pair of top dickheads!" shouted the two cockneys together, and Tad tried to join in.

"Right then," said Tad, "right then, erm, right, well, erm obviously I'm a geezer, God bless England and God save the Queen. I'm off for a tom shit, then I'll have a dig in the shave, brush my Hampstead teeth and then wash my old grey hair and plates of feet in the David shower. I'm off out to watch a very talented musician this evening, like fierce old geezers do. He's very accomplished on the old Princess piano. I am a real trendy geezer. God save the Queen old chaps, God save the Queen."

"Shat ap Tad you prize tit," said Joey "you obviously don't get the principle of cockney rhyming slang. It requires a great deal of fackin' wit. It's a Landan fing. Now fack-off into your room you poncey little Englander dickhead."

"Erm, shut your effing mouth Joey, we all know you've never given a girl a blow-job, er, ha ha." replied Tad, before rushing into his room and locking the door looking anything but fierce.

"Fackin dickhead eh, Sanbed?" said Joey, who was now reflecting on the news that his team, West Ham, were about to pay upwards of 5m for Teddy Sheringham, or Ready Steady Teddy as he was laughably known in London.

"Yeah mate" said Sunbed getting up and leaving. "Anyway san, I'm off. Gotta go and make a porn flick with a right pair of sorwts. Hard core janglist massif. It's a Landan fing. See ya later Zeus, and remember, Jimmy White, king o' pots." And he was gone. He was, after all, a champagne cockney.

"King o' fackin' pots," repeated Joey "and I am a fackin' gallis. And I am a tits man. Hartson! 1-0!" Joey left the kitchen for his bedroom saying only something about "turnin' one out because I am a tits man" and at the end, just as in the beginning, Lynden was alone. Fierce.

EPILOGUE

With The Flatmates all gone their separate ways, the future was very uncertain. Perhaps nothing would be heard again. Big Man Tayls, who was due to move into a house with Olympiakos, would have to make a startling recovery if he were to make any further appearances in any other Vance Productions series. So would Phillth. Tad would have to regain his courage and Selwyn would have to regain consciousness. Lynden and the Zeus were due to move in to the best house in Cardiff with three other housemates next year, all of whom were Welsh. Perhaps this could provide the necessary framework for a new series. Who knows? Just remember folks: Jimmy White, king of pots. Ruck 'im over Ieuan.

CORRESPONDENCE

1999 Vance Productions. 'The Flatmates' is a work of fiction. All characters portrayed herein are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead is purely coincidental. Flatmates cuddly toys are now available at special price to all subscribers. Enquiries, and all correspondence should be by email to VanceProductions.