Again, Joey the Zeus insisted on answering the door. He 'bowled' down the hallway, this time taking only a small number of minutes as he pretended to stop off and sell stolen watches to some imaginary tourists. Lynden thought that it was daft that Joey always had to answer the door. Joey pretended that he had to answer it because "it's obviously sam fit bird wiv big tits who wants it ap 'er... and I am a tits man."

"I am a tit's man" was the new Joey mantra, which he had acquired over the Easter break which occurred between this and the last episode. Much had happened since The Flatmates had gone home for Easter. The furniture had been moved again, Phill Opielercurry had been renamed Phillth due to the his continued culinary awfulness, and Selwyn had missed Easter altogether because of "t't' hibernation," a strange episode in which his parents came down all the way from Sheffield and failed to wake him up, even after having gone through over a thousand packets of Super Noodles with a four day 'Super Noodle aroma vigil' outside his bedroom door.

Anyway, Joey's opening of the door was even more pointless than normal this time as Lynden was certain who it was. It was Cliché Si, an aptly named mate of Lynden's from back home. It was obviously Si because he said that he would arrive at 10:00am prompt and he was always precisely punctual. He had been this way, apparently, since he heard the advice "a stitch in time saves nine" from his gran, when he was a boy. Joey eventually opened the door and was disappointed to see Simon.

"Yeah, what do you want y'cant?"

"Hello mate!" replied Si, "Is this where Lynden Berg lives?"

"Yeah, what do you want that northern tit for? Even though I am a tits man. Fack me! (!) You sound like him actually you sad northern tosser."

"Er yeah, thanks," replied Si, "actually, I don't think you should provoke and incite me like that, it's like a red rag to a bull, that is."

"Aw shat 'ap you tossah! Cam in then. I don't want you standin' 'ere gettin' in the way of all the fit birds that'll be wantin' t'cam round" exclaimed Joey, as he looked into the rain and the empty street. "They lav it ap 'em y'know! Lav it! Er, Lynden's in the kitchen, go on in I suppose."

"Thanks" replied Si, "you've just dangled the carrot that I wanted."

As Simon was about to walk into the kitchen, carrying his heavy bag (he didn't mind carrying the bag, as he remembered some old advice he's heard as a boy, that 'the burdon of a heavy pack upon one's back is nothing but the burdon of one's will') Joey interrupted him.

"Oi oi Saveloy! What the fack is that you've got on!?" he shouted, pointing at Simon's shirt with the Bury FC badge on the chest. "Are you sam type of cant?"

"It's Berry FC y'know...my team."

"What do you mean 'your team'? Do you fackin' play for 'em or samfing? Do you fack!"

"No," replied Si, "but that's partly the reason I'm here. I'm watchin 'em play Cardiff in the Auto Vimto preliminaries, though I will be having a drink with the players this evening."

"What, all of 'em?" asked Joey. "Well, the team that drinks together wins together," replied Si, and walked into the kitchen to the sound of Joey exclaiming to the world that he was a "tits man!".

He spotted Lynden at the table. "Hello mate!" said Simon , and, as Tad made them both some tea, the two began to talk, about Simon's train journey, Bury ("Berry") FC and other football and public transport related topics. Suddenly, they were interrupted, just as Simon was talking about a "train of two halves". Joey Zeus entered the kitchen, clearly astounded.

"Fack me!" he begged, sorry shouted, "Av a look at who i've got 'ere! It's Selwyn fackin' Redpants!" And he was dead right, although Selwyn looked more like he was just dead. His four week hibernation period had seen him lose 2 stone, look even paler, and grow hair which reached almost half a metre into the air. He may have been known as Mr Redpants, but he was also Mr White Afro. All four looked on at Selwyn, completely amazed. Tad was clearly returning to his fierce old ways after making the tea, as he made a smart remark about the rest of the flat being forced out if Selwyn's hair grew any more.

Joey had different ideas: "I fink you should build a fackin' bird's nest in there! That'd be right ap my street!..... They don't like it ap 'em, they lav it ap 'em!" Perhaps the Zeus had designs on becoming the new Bruce Forsyth, such was the tiredness of his ‘catchphrase’.

"A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." intoned Simon. Perhaps he could be the new Soloman. In any case, the talk of football and "lavvin' it ap 'em" could wait. Selwyn was, as always, in serious need of food. He would require double his usual daily dosage: a packet of super noodles, and a minute frozen shepherd's pie. Big meal time indeed. Tad got to work on the 'meal' right away, but as has become customary at the end of an episode, the doorbell rang. Now who could it be this time?.....


© 1999 Vance Productions. 'The Flatmates' is a work of fiction. All characters portrayed herein are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead is purely coincidental. Flatmates cuddly toys are now available at special price to all subscribers. Enquiries, and all correspondence should be by email to VanceProductions.