EPISODE SIX

Joey Zeus went into the hallway to answer the door, with Selwyn following him with his sort of, old-lady-pretending-to-have-quite-a-severe-hip-problem-walk. Again the doorbell rang. The Zeus was doing a sort of cockney-walkabout walk, and so it took him a couple of minutes to reach the door as he pretended to stop off and buy some jellied eels and mash. The doorbell rang throughout; it was obviously an impatient caller. Eventually, Joey reached the door and opened it in a rather knobheadish way. Selwyn looked on. On the other side of the door was Olympiakos, a friend of the Big Man. Olympiakos was a small but very stocky Greek man, apparently in his early twenties (though this was debatable). He stared Joey in the eye.

"'Ello! 'Ow are you!?" he asked before pushing Joey to the ground and walking in.

Joey was incensed. He got up quickly, clearly raging. "Oi, you facker, don't be thinkin' you can get away wiv fings like that when you're dealin' wiv the Zeus! I'm a fackin' gallis mate! More of a Greek god than you'll ever be! Knees ap mavver brown an' all that!"

He was no longer in the mood for cricket. "Selwyn you tosser, I don't want to play t't'crickeet now like so t't' fuck-off like." Very funny mimicry.

"That's OK Joey," said the Redpanted man, "Am going owt tomorrow night like, taggin' along with some lads from t't' Neuro Science like. I'll be needin' at least a day's t't' sleep for preparation like." He went to his room.

"Fackoff then!" he stormed, and barged (or bowled, as he preferred) into the kitchen again. As he opened the door, he spied Big Man Tayls trying to eat the curtains without being noticed.

"Tayls you fat prick, cat it out!"

"No it's OK, I can eat it whole." replied Tayls.

"No, I mean stop eatin' the fackin' curtains will ya? Fack's sake."

"Well, I need something to tide me by until I get to Olympiakos' house."

"He lives next door you fat facker!"

"So?"

Joey tutted, before strutting around the kitchen and shouting something nonsensical about "lavvin' it ap ya!" at some random girl outside. Meanwhile, Olympiakos was up to something. He was shaking the radiator vigorously, apparently trying to prise it from the wall.

"Eyyyyy!!!!!!" he said very loudly "Your radiator is not very safe eh!? Heheheheheh!!!!!!! Heheheh!!!"

"Shaddap Olympiakos!" shouted Tayls, "Stop doing that! I'll be needing the water in there later on. Come on, let's go."

"OK!!!!!!!" screamed Olympiakos, as they both 'walked' out of the door, making the entire block tremor as they went, "bye bye ladies!!!!! Hehehehehehe!!!!!" he finally screamed as they went, displaying a keen sense of humour.

Tad, Lynden and Joey remained in the kitchen. The Zeus was strutting all he thought he had to strut. Tad sat quietly, and Lynden did the same, though obviously mindful that Tad was fierce and could explode at any time.

"Make me a cap of tea you ginger tosser." said Joey to Tad.

"OK." said the fierce one. Joey obviously didn't realise who he was dealing with.

"And where's that prick Phill Opielercurry?"

"Gone to feed the ducks again." intoned Lynden, and just as he said it, the door swung open. It was obviously Phill, as the door had been kicked before it opened, and that was a true sign of the Opielercurry man. Phill walked in, as if he was trying to be very confident but didn't quite know where to look.

"What do you want you agly facker!?" asked Joey, more politely than usual.

"Oh, great. Hmmph." enthused Phill, "It's still there."

"What is?" "The dish water from last week's washing up..... I'm tryin' to make mi own shampoo. Hmmph."

Phill gleefully put the filthy water into a big bucket and 'walked' happily back to his room, where Babe Watch, the incredibly rubbish porn film, was no doubt paused until he got back. The three laughed in the kitchen, as fierce Tad made the tea. Joey was strutting big time now, and while Lynden was still cautious as to Tad's behaviour, he was also pondering the imminent arrival of his mate Simon Whitworth, who was coming to Cardiff to visit for a couple of days, and also to watch Cardiff play at home to his team, Bury, in the Auto Vimto Cup preliminaries.

Tad's look turned to an inquisitive one. "Joey, you know when you, you know, when you, sort of, erm, with Suzie, erm, you know, erm......." he tried to ask.

"When I shavved it ap 'er!? She lavved it!"

"Yeah, but did you, you know, erm, give her a blow job?" Lynden and Joey fell about laughing at the hilariously atrocious question Tad had just asked. After about 3 minutes of pure laughter, they began trying to speak again, but it was no good, it was just too funny. Eventually, they managed to look Tad in the eye again.

"Tad, where the fack do you cam from!!!!!???" asked Joey.

"Shut up, you know what I mean, erm did you, did you, well I don't know do I? I mean there's no word for it is there?"

"Hahaha you piece of Hampshire toss.... look, I slipped her the length, she lavved it ap 'er, I'm a fackin' gallis and that's all you need to know, you little Englander Les Dennis lookalike simple ginger tosspiece."

"Thanks." replied Tad, and finished making the tea. They almost immediately started to laugh again, as they heard the sounds of muffled masturbation moaning from Phill's room. Another girl walked past the window. Joey had a plan. Hilariously, he would walk towards the window and shout "I'm a gallis!"/"You don't like it ap ya, you lav it ap ya!"/"Do you want some of my length lav!?" or something equally mind-blowingly cheeky. But before he had chance, another distraction occurred. The doorbell rang again....

EPISODE SEVEN

1999 Vance Productions. 'The Flatmates' is a work of fiction. All characters portrayed herein are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead is purely coincidental. Flatmates cuddly toys are now available at special price to all subscribers. Enquiries, and all correspondence should be by email to VanceProductions.