The four flatmates present in the kitchen sat having a really fun time, waiting for various things. Tayls was waiting for his second fridge full of food, Tad was waiting to be asked to make another cup of tea, and of course to roar, and as he and Lynden sat discussing why Phill needed seven wanks per day and of course the general ethos of Picasso's cubist period, Selwyn mumbled something about "crickeet". But most of all, they were awaiting the arrival of their final flatmate, Joey Melville. Or at least this is what Joey would like to think. The cheeky cockney fellow constantly reminded himself of his supposed brilliance: his charm, sophistication, wit and astounding good looks; all reflected by his amazing haul of two rough girls all year. Hmmm.

Suddenly, the door slammed open if that's possible. In walked Melville, or Joey Zeus, as he insisted on being called. Tad and Lynden broke into their customary tune for 'The Arrival Of The Zeus', a parody of an Adam F record; the lyrics only slightly altered in accordance with the personality of the Zeus:-


"Alwight tossers!" shouted Joey as he entered, doing a sort of funny dance and no doubt weighing up what he could sell to the other flatmates in cheeky barrow-boy fashion, "or was that more information than you needed?"

"Shaddap Melv you tosser!" exclaimed Tayls, excitedly.

"It's a Lan-dan fing." replied Joey, hilariously. "Where's my mail anyway, you fat prick?"

"I ate it."

"Oh Tayls you're sach a fat prick. Where's that prick Phill gone with his cool slacks?"

"To his room for a wank." intoned Tad.

"Shat it Tad. Who asked you anyway you ginger Tosser? And you can shat it Lynden you northern scam! Selwyn, you've got cum on your t't' pants like!" Joey shouted, again hilariously. It was all quality stuff.

"Er, Joey, sorry, Zeus..." started Selwyn.

"Yes Redpants you tosser?"

"Erm ,very good, er, what y'doing tonight like? Nowt?"

"Well chuck like t't' Redpants t't' like..." began Joey in a hilarious mimic of Selwyn's Sheffield annoyance, sorry, accent, "....first I'll go t't' pub like an I'll 'ave ten pints like [shandy] and then I'll go an' shag t't' Donna an' then I'll 'ave t't' Emily like an' then business Clare'll want it up 'er so am in fer a busy t't' night like."

"Is that the same as going down the social for two or three and then ending up in bed with Suzie again?" asked Lynden. The others laughed, except for Tayls who wasn't allowed to laugh, on the orders of his doctor, due to fears that he might explode.

"Shat it you tossers! I am a gallis; the sex prince; they lav it ap 'em! Oi oi, Saveloy!..." said Joey, now looking excitedly out of the window at (shock horror) a girl, "....do you want it ap you lav? Lan-dan massif, turn it in san! They all want a piece of the Zeus....." Perhaps this meant that 'they' were all looking for that piece of him the rest of us had missed, ie, his brain. Perhaps we would find out. After a while, the Zeus stopped spouting rubbish about girls and nonsensical phrases about London and sausages and so on, and invited Selwyn into the hall to play cricket, "where I’ll whip your northern arse, Redpants or not, Selwyn!...". Just as they were about to go though, the doorbell rang....


1999 Vance Productions. 'The Flatmates' is a work of fiction. All characters portrayed herein are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead is purely coincidental. Flatmates cuddly toys are now available at special price to all subscribers. Enquiries, and all correspondence should be by email to VanceProductions.