CORRESPONDENCE
From: TADEK ANTONIAK
Date: Wed, 28 Jan 1998 15:46:49 GMT0BST
Subject: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeexcrement!
A N D Y, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU BACK, CAPS LOCK off. and sending everyone wacky emails again. W H EN IS F LAT MA TES 4 COMING OUT ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????!!
I've decided that Vance productions needs some extra creative input. Here's some ideas:
Bramall gets a bona while doing the full Monty in the hall way, his reason being that Joe's body was too much for him.
Phill becomes a Muslim and joins a Luncheon Meat Sacrifice Cult. All members are equipped with standard issue slacks and slick back hair.
Mark's lower intestine ruptures under it's own weight as he is playing Basket ball, spraying all the other players with large quantities of Goat's Cheese and pasta.
Joe dies.
Tad takes over as the Shagaholic of the flat.
Andy marries his long suffering girlfriend and disappears to Colombia in order to find Joe's killers and to have a honeymoon.
Andy comes back and talks Dorothy Cashflow to death, using his conversational skills and the excessive use of the word ‘Vance’.
Mark purchases a new lower intestine from the Co Op and sends Tad on an Inner Space type mission in order to 'connect' all the right parts.
Tad disappears for five years.
Tad ends up in Mark’s toilet bowl, only to discover that he had been away for just 5 minutes, because time moved at a different pace inside the vast cavern of 'Inner Mark'.
Andy tries to hide the body of Cashflow in Bramall's mattress, Bramall complains that his bed is lumpy.
Phill turns into a large piece of luncheon meat, then, much to his relief, turns back again before anyone notices.
Phill embarks on writing a novel entitled "My 4 Second Life As A large Piece Of Luncheon Meat" and becomes a hero to the Welsh people.
Tad tells Claudia Schiffer that he is busy, and sends her into Bramall's room. She runs away screaming; "He has a bona on top of his head."
The Russians discover that Talybont is really the undercover HQ of the Welsh Secret Service, and with Cashflow dead, they invade. Andy, Tad, Phill and Bramall, all come out fighting to the death. At the end, and to celebrate their victory, they erect a statue of Joey Zeus, which soon becomes covered in pigeon excrement. All the female survivors try to give it a blow job, and as with the living Zeus, they cannot find his dick.
I think you'll find that all of this material is highly feasible for the next editions of 'Flatmates', apart from the first one, because that would never happen would it?
Tad, Ginger Tosser, James Bond, Vance, Smallguy, Les Dennis
From: Vance Productions
To: “V. Annoyed”
Subject: “Crickeet”
Date: Wed, 18 Feb 1998 13:53:11 GMT0BST
On 18 Feb 98 at 9:37, V. Annoyed wrote:
I am writing to inform you that your portrayal of Selwyn (or whatever the hell he's called), the Sheffield tosser, has greatly disturbed me. I am currently in abode in the aforementioned city, and have not yet, over the preceding 15 weeks or so, met a Sheffield local who likes Crickeet. Apart from this, several derogatory terms were used in conjunction with the character's origin, accent and hobbies.
I felt I must draw this to your attention, as it could be misconstrued as prejudice, which it has been by me. I personally think Sheffield is wunderbar, and perhaps a negative stereotype of the Northern Scum would be more appropriate? I entrust the matter in your capable hands. Meanwhile, I'll look forward to the 6th episode of this nail biting series,
Yours Faithfully,
M. Durand, Ms
Dear Ms Durand
I find it particularly difficult to believe that you have not yet met a Sheffield local who is not fond of the 'gentleman's game', however, I would like to unreservedly apologise t' thee like cos o' th'offence caused. Am reet sorry, me. Seriously, the Sheffield accent is a quite hideous one, and while Vance Productions does not wish to offend in any regionalist or racist terms whatever, we do feel that if you can't take a joke you should fuckoff, erm, so to speak.
Anyway, I am glad to hear that for the most part you find our series compelling to the point of biting your nails (though it has not escaped our notice that biting one's nails whilst operating a mouse cannot be too easy). I look forward to the continuation of your subscription and patronage of this Vance Productions product.
Yours Sincerely
Corporal Lynberg Vance
Managing Director
From: Joe Melvin
To: Selwyn, Tadek, Phillth, Tayls, Vance
Date sent: Thu, 19 Feb 1998 15:21:58 GMT0BST
Subject: Sharky
Sharky has now pulled birds in D5, D7, D9 & D10 Nice. Wheras only Talys has pulled out of all of you and she was a fat bird.
Tossers.
Selwyn was on the pull at jive last night and she blew him out big time.
Sharky
From: TADEK ANTONIAK
Date sent: Tue, 24 Feb 1998 14:41:05 GMT0BST
Subject: Re: 'Little Englander' Ltd
To the Managers of Vance Productions,
In reply to your letter in which you stated that your company was in a severe financial crisis, the main reason being that you have not generated £1 worth of revenue from your on-line product, we will of course be glad to help and advise you.
We will be buying you out for the handsome sum of £3.75 and hence will eliminate all competition in this potentially lucrative niche market, not that there was much competition anyway. As you know Little Englander is a Privatised Public utility which writes amusing articles for the internal Houses of Parliament magazine 'The Real World', the second issue of which is entitled 'Outside Whitehall - what goes on.'
There will be a subscription cost of Flatmates of £10.50 per episode and an additional charge of £5.00 will be made for every day that the subscription payment is late. This contractual agreement expires in 2 weeks and after this, the so called subscriber will be taken to a small claims court and charged a large amount of money. We have large dividends to pay and I am planning to give myself a biggish payrise in the near future, so we will not tolerate late payment, as it is a lack of financial prudence which has caused the downfall of your poxy little company.
If you are interested, I need someone to wash my wife’s BMW every Friday and I need a tea and coffee boy at our new headquarters in Golden Square, Piccadilly, London. I will be sending a promo letter to all your present customers telling them about the better value they will get from this higher quality product, even though this time they will be paying for it.
Yours Sincerely,
Tad- a check-a-vich-ski, esq.
Managing Director Of 'Littler Englander ltd' and the now defunct 'Vance Productions'
From: TADEK ANTONIAK
Date sent: Fri, 24 Apr 1998 10:55:24 GMT0BST
Subject: COMPLAINT
Dear Vance Productions,
I recently purchased a Flatmates cuddly character toy for the not reasonable price of £29.99. The character was the one called Selwyn Red Pants and I bought it because I seem to have an unhealthy fascination with this Flatmates character.
To my disappointment, the toy arrived in a flat posted package which was odd, seeing as how this was supposed to be a 'cuddly' toy. I opened the package and pulled out Selwyn only to discover that there was no stuffing inside him. I know that this toy's lame appearance may be in keeping with the actual Selwyn himself, but I must point out that this sort of thing does not occur anywhere else, for example Goofy does not look all that dissimilar to Mickey now does he?
Hence I have felt considerably short changed. May I make a small suggestion that may save time and money; How about taking some of the stuffing out of the cuddly toy Fat Mama Tayls and giving it to Selwyn? This is what I intend to do. By the way, while we’re on the subject of the Fat Mama Tayls toy, which incidentally arrived by truck, I am concerned about the label on the merchandise which states; "8 Indian Communities have been bought to provide the cotton wool stuffing inside this toy, their livelihoods have been destroyed because they have been chucked out and replaced by machinery".
Yours worriedly
A Sad Fan
Walsall
From: TADEK ANTONIAK
Date sent: Wed, 6 May 1998 16:23:34 GMT0BST
Subject: Welcome back Mr Vance Lyndenberg!
Hey we've had wild times since you have been away! Joe has been the grumpiest of gits, Mark asks me 20 questions for everything I do; e.g. Was the turd hard or soft?, Were you reading in there again?, How many sheets of toilet paper did you use?, Why, Why Not?, and so on. Bramall was 12th man on the Cricket team and so he didn't get any action, and his parents didn't see any (and he is the Village Idiot - see below). And Phill, well we all know and love Phill don't we now.
Anyway, I made up some new ideas that could be used in Flatmates, even though my previous ideas were ignored:
Bramall's the Village idiot because he lives in a village outside of Sheffield, and he is an idiot.
Melvin will now be known as Genocide Joe because of his comments such as "I love a good Fascist Leader", "Hitler was a genius" "I would have killed 8 million Jews, not 6 million" "Cures for all modern diseases should not be found, because it keeps the population down."
Tayls and Yannis should marry each other, become lesbians and begin a TV series for the BBC called 'Two Fat Ladies Play Basketball And argue A lot', for which they shall be paid loadsa dosh, paid for by the Tax payer.
Tad takes Melvin to the doctors, even though he only has flu..... oh that happened yesterday.
Phill turns momentarily into a tin of pineapple chunks, then explodes.
Tayls stamps Phill into the carpet, as he does with all food on the floor. Phill tries to do Tiquando on Tayls, but seeing he is a pile of exploded pineapple, and he is embedded in the carpet, this has very little effect.
Tad stops writing this email because it has become too surreal.
Tad Les Dennis/James Bond/FierceTad/Ginge/Prize Tit
And remember; "Jimmy White, King Of Pots".
From: TADEK ANTONIAK
Date sent: Sun, 17 May 1998 13:51:11 GMT0BST
Subject: Little Englander ltd; Flatmates 7; Journey To The Other Side (of the kitchen)
As some of you may already know, Vance productions has gone bust through unbelievably bad management and most of all through bad spelling. I think all of you will agree that 'Vance’ TM never was and never will be a good name and your complaints of it have been well and truly justified.
Little Englander ltd has just been involved in a hostile take-over with Vance Productions and has bought it out for £3.75, a sad and pathetic value which shows the fatal financial crisis that it was in. The so called rich Financier which was supposed to have saved the company was a hoax dreamed up by Vance himself in order to try and inspire confidence in his customers.
There's going to be some changes around here, we intend to take a slightly tougher line than Vance Productions i.e., you will pay the subscription fee or you will die. Our Mission statement is short and sweet and has proven to be very successful so far; "At this company we aim to provide a high quality product through higher subscription charges, and refusal to pay will mean certain assassination at 12 noon on the day that you refuse to pay. The killings will be carried out by a trained professional with a high calibre laser guided rifle (he does not miss). Pay or die."
Tad a check a vich (ski)
Managing (very well) Director of Little Englander ltd
And business partner Paul Varios (Reading Mafia)
We pick up the story where it left off, but obviously more humour and less realism will be involved. The last episode involving cliché Si has been ignored simply because it just wasn't funny in any shape or form. Here begineth Flatmates (fiercer and more streamlined since it's acquisition) 7 After Olympiakos had gone away, much to the relief of the building, as it was becoming structurally unsafe, Tad decided to make a journey across to the other side of the kitchen.
Later in his fabled explorer journals he recorded this as 'Journey To The Other Side (of the kitchen)' He set off with his old and trusty but rusty piece at his side, his famous explorer garb his only protection against the searing heat and sulphurous gases of the hostile micro climate created by Fat Boy Tayls' arse, just before he had left the room. Almost immediately he tripped over one of Tayls' toe nails which he had left in the middle of the kitchen for everyone else to enjoy. He gave it a good hard kick but it did not move very far, so he stepped over it.
He used his grappling hook to ascend a chair and then from the chair onto the worktop. He was knocked backwards and very nearly knocked off the worktop by something large, pink and spotty - Phill's ear. He ducked quickly as Phill turned his head and the other ear swung round. Sweating in a vaguely heroic, Charlton Heston manner, Tad began the last leg of his journey- the most hazardous part through the Brown Death Swamp Forest known in the 'Forbidden Zone' as 'Bramall's Hair'.
He grimaced in a vaguely heroic, Harrison ford-manner as he thought of what lay ahead. He prepared to meet his peril and swung the grappling hook towards the trembling brown forest. While Fierce Tad The Adventurer was engaged in his second most dangerous journey- the first was through the inside wall of Fat Boy Tayls' gut, an argument was taking place in the further reaches of the kitchen.
"I don't do facking lectures, I'm a facking Gallis remember?!"
"What d’fuck huh?, I make you breakfast, tea and Admirals Pie with eggs chips and beans every day, in exchange for you going to the lectures remember?" Andy may have looked angry, if he didn't have that kind of happy go lucky face and floppy fringe that you just wanted to laugh at all the time.
"Ah, Fack off, you bellend, I'm a facking gallis an' I don’t facking ponce about going to facking lectures" said Joe moving a hand around inside his joggers.
"But isn't that the whole point of coming to Uni - to go to lectures?"
"No, the point of this facking place is to shag every single munter that's dum enough have a bit of Melvin's cock ap 'em." said Joe with London pride
"Right. So, how many notes do we have this year so far?"
"The one's you did"
"But I've only been to one lecture - the first one"
"Then that's all the facking poncey notes we 'av then, stop facking worrying. I'm off for some sex, see ya later kids"
Joe and Andy's course consisted of 2 lectures a week for three weeks and then a 7 week break before returning for 6 more lectures and then having another 7 week break, and that was it. Meanwhile Tad was finding it more easy to move through Bramall's hair than usual because it had recently been cut short, although it was still too long for anyone with an ounce of fashion sense. Just as Tad reached Bramall's forehead, Bramall swept a hand across his hair, swiping Tad clean off. He fell with a small splosh into the kitchen sink and sank underneath the murky brown waters.
Fighting for breath, he came up for air and was wrestling, in a vaguely heroic Crocodile Dundee manner, a large snake like bacteria that had evolved in the now toxic waters, mainly because Bramall hadn't done the washing up. Tad reached for his trusty but rusty, but as he let one hand off the deadly bacteria, it tightened it's grip around his throat..........
And on that bombshell, I'll leave you until next time; Will Tad win the battle with the bacteria? Will there be something different for dinner for Joe and Andy, other than Admiral's Pie? Will Tayls pick up his toenails?(probably not) Will Joe shag another munter?(probably)................
From: John Powell
Subject: Re: The Flatmates #8
Date sent: Sat, 16 May 1998 18:47:53 +0100
Hey Mr.L
Boy did I love my walk on part or what! Cool thanks deserved. This ain’t really gonna be the last is it?
Also I'd like to say that they are very well written, you should write a book.
Love
Powell
From: Simon Whitworth
Organisation: Dundee University
Date sent: Wed, 20 May 1998 17:12:47 GMT
Subject: Re: Les Vantora Maporsis!
I am sending you this message to notify you that you will soon be receiving a letter from my solicitor.
I have instructed my legal eagle to sue you for unauthorised use of clichés which I gained copyright of many moons ago. You are a friend but I feel there is a moral principle to be upheld here. I am not sure what this is but I am sure my solicitor will be able to think one up.
I must warn you if I am unsuccessful in my attempt to get my hands on your fortune (all that overtime, at that pizza place which I can't remember the name of, must add up) I will be sending Big Pete Swan round.
See you in court
SIMON
From: Phill
Date sent: Fri, 22 May 1998 00:16:14 GMT0BST
Subject: Flatmates
Dear Vance Productions,
With regards to your recent soap opera Flatmates. Top stuff indeed. I was a little disappointed at some of the endings. I feel it would have been better if Phillth had been killed by being stabbed in the head with a fork after trying to stop yet another mass brawl between the Fierce Tad and Northern scum Selwyn. And I feel it would have been fitting if his last meal had, ironically, been a decent meal of sausage beans and chips just like normal people would eat.
Well bear these thoughts in mind and I would like to point out that I am in no way connected with LEP as they wouldn't dare open an office in the midlands as they would all be killed off instantly for looking too much like that twat Les Dennis.
Great work guys.
A Fan
PS: Am not askin ya to loik it.