Jane opened the door of the hotel with great trepidation, as if a stream of customers were pushing to get in. They weren’t. Jane was disappointed at this and wasted no time in issuing a bollocking to the nearest member of staff, which happened to be Blue Mel. Blue Mel was incensed at this treatment. After all, he was doing no harm to anybody by hiding behind the reception desk.

“Hey, don’t shout at me you... you... rubbish!” he blasted in a fit of rage. He was clearly incensed. So was Jane. There was no way she was going to put up with being called rubbish by a member of staff, especially on the day she had broken new ground in the quantity of make-up she was wearing.

“Right sweetie, that’s enough of you. Get your coat.” she said. Blue Mel did precisely this and stormed out, again calling Jane “rubbish” on his way. Clearly his tongue was as blue as his name, the young hooligan.

“Come on Janey, that’s a bit harsh.” said Mick, the musical chef, rhythmically.

“Right, OK, you can go too. Go on precious, get lost. Hit the road. Be off with you, get going, adios, ciao, bye bye...” started Jane.

“Yes alright, I think I get the point.” sang Mick as he followed Blue Mel out of the door, chasing him as he fancied a fight and had found a worthy target. How surreal. Carole, the posh student-type with a funny dance, was startled by this turn of events and she looked away from the mirror she was posing into.

“Was there really any need for that?” she asked Jane in the manner of a school mistress telling off a semi-naughty school child whilst at the same time appearing like a knob. “I want you to reinstate those two members of staff forthwith and without any future repercussions or by hell and damnation I shall be putting forth my resignation with immediate effect and I sincerely mean that.”

“Really luvvie?” replied Jane, “Goodbye then.” somewhat more succinctly than before.

“Hhh. I’m absolutely startled and shocked by that decision and with this whole turn of events. I now blame you for ruining my life forever and I will never forgive you. I wish to make that clear.”

“Yeah, clear this.” said Jane as she stubbed her cigarette on Carole’s ankle. A weird choice indeed. Carole was obviously upset as she stumbled out of the door, dancing more humorously than ever. Curiouser and curiouser said Alice. Don’t know what she was doing on the premises. Jane quickly arranged for her to be dispatched. It was not going well: no customers, three staff sacked and now a character from a children’s novel turns up unexpectedly and with no use to anyone. Jane despaired as she looked upon her paltry staff of four, of which only Liz wasn’t gossiping, gossiping camply, or searching frantically for anything male. What a shambles. This despair, however, lasted for mere seconds, for as she looked beyond the front steps, she saw a small coach coming onto the drive. She rushed to the door and confronted the driver. He got his word in first.

“Shaddap you dizzy bitch!” It was Big Man Tayls, the sufficiently sized star of the previous series, The Flatmates. He went on. “Right, now I’m gonna ask you a question and I want a quick answer because I’m fucking hungry OK. We’re all in this area to watch the Hermaphrodite Olympic Games which begin today. I want you to tell me where the games are being held and if you could squeeze a chip butty in there as well I’d be most grateful. Now come on! Speak!”

“Erm, the start of the games has been postponed until tomorrow due to there being a hermaphrodite lion on the loose,” she lied, “but if you’d all like to come inside I can offer you excellentish accommodation at a discount price and if you, sir, are hungry, I’m sure we can find something you’d appreciate.”

“That lion would be ideal.” replied Tayls with his mouth watering.

“Erm, ha ha. OK then, in you all come.” and she opened the coach door.

What poured out of the coach was certainly unpredictable. First onto the tarmac was Joey Melville, the cheeky cockney type and son of Eastenders’ Frank Butcher. He was strutting as he approached the hotel. Just behind him was his good friend Phill Opielercurry, the junk (literally) food addict who was also known as Phillth. With them came a dizzy young girl called Kelly. She looked simple and was. Behind them were two Welshmen, Aled and Ieuian, who seemed to be inspecting the fields rather closely; and last of all came Fierce Tad, a Les Dennis lookalike who was also fierce. Actually he came second last because he had fallen asleep on the coach and was being carried by Olympiakos, the huge human Greek weight lifting machine. As they entered reception, Olympiakos put Tad down on a chair. Recky thought that all her birthdays had come at once and immediately pounced on Olympiakos (also known as Jon). He was so muscular that she fainted and dropped to the floor.

“Kheh heh heh heh! This is a funny girl!” he shouted as he kicked her for good measure.

Liz thought that it might be a good idea to book everybody in, and started to go to the desk. She was immediately overtaken by Jimmy who opened the brand new guest book and really wanted to be seen making the effort. Liz sighed. It would be a tedious day.

“OK,” began Jimmy, in a camp way, “I’ll book you all in, but first of all, would somebody shut that door. Ooh, I’ll catch my death in here.” Joey stormed to the front of the queue. He was now more cockney than ever, and clearly revelling in the idea of being related to the Mitchell brothers.

“Shat the fack ap you camp little facker an’ get me sam food!”

“Ooh, I don’t like the tone on you. So handsome too; what a waste. OK then sailor what’s your name?”

“Fack’s sake. Das it mattah? Jast pat Zeus, and that’s what everybody’s gotta call me. And I am a tits man.”

He stormed in to the dining room and sat down in a southern way. As the others signed in, Jane looked on with pleasure, grinning like a fiend. She was blissfully unaware that Big Man Tayls was in the kitchen, his feet having not touched the ground, and had almost finished eating the entire contents of the kitchen. The food had gone in seconds. Quickly, she remembered another pertinent problem: the lack of staff.

“Erm, OK, listen sweeties,” she said loudly, “if any of you would like to earn a small amount of money, and I must stress the word small, come and see me as I require staff, especially a chef and a simple girl to wash up. Any takers?”

“Oid love to be yer chef loik. Hmmph!” exclaimed Phillth.

“And I appear to fit the bill as a simple washing up girl quite perfectly.” said Kelly, uncharacteristically.

“OK, then gorgeouses,” replied Jane ridiculously, “come this way.”

The pair looked up with glee and followed.


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1999 Vance Productions. Blue Hotel is a work of fiction. All characters portrayed herein are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead is purely coincidental. It really is. Blue Hotel™ tubby toys are now available by mail order from VanceProductions. All subscriptions taken by @DVANCE™ direct debit.